Why Won't My Child Listen To Me?

Why won’t my child listen to me?

What are you supposed to do when you ask your child to turn off electronics, come to eat, pick up toys, get dressed, get in the car or do their homework but instead of doing it, they either ignore you, or start to argue?

The secret to helping your child successfully listen and comply includes three key elements:

1. Routine
2. Forewarnings
3. Clear consequences

 1. Routines: Routines are the plans you follow every day for getting ready in the morning, preparing for bed, arriving home after school, when doing homework or pick up toys and other daily activities. When a routine is in place, your child knows what to expect and that there is a predictable order to what they need to do. A sequence of steps that stays the same but can be lengthened or shorted depending on the situation. For example, when it’s time for bed, they may have a snack, toilet, brush teeth, put on pajamas, enjoy cuddle/talk time, kiss/hug and say good night. This is just an example. The key is a routine that gets the tasks done while at the same time helping everyone settle for sleep. Children comply because they know what they are supposed to be doing and what they cannot do during this time. Just as importantly, your request to do what they are supposed to do is not a triggering surprise.

2. Forewarnings: Just as you appreciate a forewarning to stop what you are doing before moving on to something else, so do your children.  Make forewarnings concrete.  For example: “We will read one more book, then it’s time to stop.” “Five more pushes on the swing and then it’s time to stop. Or “You have ten more minutes before it’s time to stop. What do you need to do to be ready to stop?  Go do it. I’ll set a color timer, so you know how long you have.” Then, “You have five more minutes, where do you want to save that?” Or “What do you want to bring with you?” Then, it’s time to stop.  When it’s time to stop, go to your child, prepared to enforce it’s time for them to do what they are expected to do.

3. Clear Consequences: A clear consequence is established BEFORE your child turns on electronics, starts homework, or refuses to pick up their toys. A clear consequence includes what your child may do. What you will do if they do not do it, and when you will do it. When it’s time to stop, or follow the routine if your child resists, there’s no need to argue, you can simply say, “I hear you complaining, that means you decided the pre-established consequence will occur.” Of course, this is when your child insists they’ll comply and beg for a second chance, but if you want your child to listen and do what you have asked them to do, do not give them a second chance.  Remind them, they knew what would happen if they did not choose to do what they were asked to do. Next time they can make a different decision. Then follow through with the pre-established consequence.  Following through teaches your child to do what you have asked them to do, the first time you ask.

No begging or repeating yourself needed. 

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